Lowest Common Denominator
by Miss Kagura
Summary: This crackfic features the Turtle of Doom, earrape, goth fantasies, Rin's cuteness, and a hanyou who forgot his eyebrows. Rated for language. Oneshot.


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**Lowest Common Denominator**

_By Miss Kagura_

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"_Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." –Martin Mull_

Oh, it was a diabolical plan!

Magatsuhi floated above Byakuya and Naraku, who he had called to announce his wicked and ingenious plot to destroy Sesshoumaru.

As the dark will of the Shikon No Tama, Magatsuhi saw all things and knew that in some high school fanfiction, he was leader of the goth kids and Byakuya and Naraku were his groupies. Yes, they walked behind him in the hall, and were bullied by the evil prep, Sesshoumaru, with his perfect hair and his famous dad.

It was time to strike back at that snobby prep and his perfect family.

"I have learned Sesshoumaru's biggest secret. There is but one person he cares about— " Magatsuhi started.

"Rin," Byakuya cut in.

Naraku furrowed his brow, but due to an oversight during his last reconstruction, he had forgotten to re-grow his eyebrows. He rubbed the bald flesh above his eyes and frowned. He really needed a checklist; over the past few years, he made all kinds of mistakes while rebuilding his body. There was the time he added an extra arm, the time he forgot a foot, oh, and who could forget the time he woke up sans manhood?

Kagura laughed until he killed her. Damn that bitch for turning to Sesshoumaru when he was unable to get an erection. Literally.

Magatsuhi smiled and laughed evilly saying, "Good, our minds are in sync, for we share this flesh!"

Byakuya stepped back from the laughing madman. "That's not really a secret you know. I mean, it's pretty obvious. I've always known."

"It's true," Naraku said.

Magatsuhi narrowed his eyes and darkened them. Kami, he loved the black eyeliner, but that was beside the point. "Shit. Well, that's our plan."

"Kami, you're an imbecile," Naraku said.

Byakuya nodded in agreement, and began to fold a piece of paper into what should have been a paper crane. Fold, fold, a snip here and there…he did it once, so it should have been easy, right? "Anyway, your plan is lame. I'm sick and tired of dealing with Sesshoumaru. One of these days he's just going to go apeshit and kill us all," he said. He jerked his hand and sucked on his index finger. "Fux, I have a papercut."

"Lemme see," Naraku said.

Byakuya held his finger out to Naraku, who started to suck on the bleeding digit. He withdrew his finger immediately and scowled. "What is wrong with you?"

"Perhaps I enjoy the taste of blood," Naraku replied.

The paper crane took a turn for the worst as Byakuya tore a jagged edge off the paper in frustration. "I can't believe I came from you sometimes."

"I think that should be, 'I-can't-believe-I-came-from-you,' what?" Naraku asked.

His incarnation scowled and wadded the paper up. "I can't believe I came from you, _Daddy_."

"Good boy," Naraku said.

Meanwhile, Magatsuhi had slipped back into his goth high school fantasy, even though he really had no idea what high school was. It was never explained in the 'fics,' so he simply assumed it to be a breeding competition of some sort. What was the purpose of it? "I remember! There's only one way to survive being a bad guy."

"I prefer the term 'evil,' or 'wicked,'" Naraku corrected.

"We have to have hot sex with Kagome," Magatsuhi explained. "Otherwise, it's an Inu/Kag or San/Mir and that means we all have to die. I have to make her my mate and umm…bite her on the neck, I think."

Naraku perked up at the mention of biting and mumbled, "Mmmmm…blood…"

Magatsuhi realized he had shared his strategy with the so-called competition, since only one bad boy could steal Kagome's heart after Inuyasha ripped it out and stomped on it. Damn that Inuyasha and his prep of a brother! "I hate those dogs so much! I suffer every day because my dad is an alcoholic, but their dad is the head of Inutaisho Corp! They live in a big house and wear Abercrombie while I dress in stylish, but sorrowful threads. They can have their perfect family, but I'll show them! I'll fuck Kagome!"

Byakuya and Naraku stared at him in disbelief and confusion, and finally Byakuya said, "Seriously, what the hell? Their father is dead, you weirdo. I don't know what you've been smoking, but nothing you're saying makes any sense."

"You simply do not understand the concept of the alternate universe," Magatsuhi explained.

"Whatever. The miko will never bed you anyway. You don't even have a real body and possessing Kohaku's probably doesn't do much for her," Naraku pointed out.

Magatushi realized he was correct and thought for a moment. The plan was becoming too complex, and there were too many ways it could fail. He would have to possess a body she found attractive, woo her, and hope all of her judgment temporarily slips away. "My original plan was better," he said of his plot involving Rin.

"If 'original' is the word you want to use," Byakuya said.

Byakuya threw his creation and watched it transform into a gigantic, flying wad of paper. There was no comfy place for him to sit, it wasn't stylish, and he was sure it would cause everyone to mock him.

Naraku glared at it and shook his head in disappointment. "Just tell everyone it's a turtle," he said.

"But turtles don't fly," Magatsuhi argued.

Byakuya flew higher on his paper turtle of doom and glared down at them. "They do now!" he yelled.

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(Someone took a nap and there is no account of the events for some time. Other records of the events were mistaken for Ramen and devoured.) 

**Several Hours Later…**

The cause of Kagome's brazen, panty-soaking lust twitched under her gaze. Brown eyes devoured the sight before her as she moved closer to her prey. A simple movement and her virginal reservations faded; she had to fulfill her body's demands. She had to feel the soft silver in her hands and let it consume whatever purity she had left.

Well, whatever was left after that bicycle incident anyway. She lost her virginity and her faith in any type of transportation that required she expose her crotch to harm that day. "Always protect the temple, Kagome. It is only meant to be worshiped," Miroku had said. There was more wisdom there, but it was forgotten after a severe blow to the head with a comically huge boomerang.

The miko licked her lips, and the hanyou trembled in nervous fear. "You're going to do it again, aren't you?" he fearfully asked.

Her toes curled in anticipation; sex could never be as good as what she was about to do. In fact, she had convinced Sango to take everyone else on a wild goose chase under the guise that she and Inuyasha were going to fuck.

Ha.

That was Kikyou's territory and Kagome had no intention of ever going there. Sango had made some lewd joke about Inuyasha ejaculating in a potted plant once and it killed every hint of lust she had for the hanyou as a whole. He'd say something nice, perhaps even flirty, and her brain was filled with images of him thrusting into a clay planter filled with dry soil.

Inuyasha cowered; he had no hope and he knew it. Hell, Kagome knew it, and it only seemed to excite her more. No one would have ever believed him if he told them she was sexually abusing him. He couldn't have survived the blow to the pride he scraped together after the first incident. He was fearful for his own safety and for Kagome, who had let the issue grow into a sick obsession. It was a shameful sin she forced on him when no one was around.

"Inuyasha," Kagome purred lustfully.

His amber eyes met hers as he made a plea for his own self-esteem. It was largely ignored by the miko, who inched closer and closer. "Please…don't say it. Don't do it, Kagome!" he begged.

"Sit," She said as he came crashing down to the ground, temporarily immobilized by the beads around his neck.

The miko jumped onto his back, straddling the broad back of the strong hanyou. She leaned on his back and her fingers captured the two tiny silver triangles that had driven her to such lengths in the first place.

Kagome moaned, her toes curled, and Inuyasha was sure he felt her thighs quiver a little as she rubbed and tweaked his cute little ears. A canine whine escaped from him as her lips seized his left ear and sucked on it. Then, her tongue slid down the triangle and into his ear, sending shivers of revolt down his spine.

Inuyasha closed his eyes tightly and waited for Kagome to finish, totally unaware of Naraku, who had run into the clearing with them with malicious intent. The evil hanyou took one look at what was going on and realized that it would be a mistake to toil with the miko, as he had no desire to be subjugated and ear-raped in such a manner.

She looked up and shouted, "Naraku!"

"Should I…come back later or something?" Naraku asked.

Inuyasha had never felt so much shame in his life. Of all the people to witness what Kagome did to him, Naraku was the worst. No, Sesshoumaru was. Inuyasha didn't even want to think about the things Sesshoumaru would say if he saw Kagome do such lascivious things to his ears. Confident Kagome wouldn't sit him with Naraku around, he threw her off and stood saying, "No way, let's fight this out right now!"

Inuyasha stared.

Naraku stared back.

"C'mon!" the hanyou screamed.

Naraku just couldn't make himself fight Inuyasha. It was impossible to take the puppy-eared hanyou seriously now that he knew the things Kagome did to him. Besides, the form of shame Kagome served was far worse than what Naraku had the time for. Simply put, Inuyasha was worse off being sexually harassed by Kagome than being tortured in his lair. Naraku snorted and laughed cruelly at Inuyasha. "Farewell, Inuyasha," he said.

"Wait, no! Come back here, you bastard! Please!" Inuyasha yelled.

Naraku ignored his pleas and returned to Byakuya and Magatsuhi, who were closing in on Sesshoumaru's group at a good speed, considering that one of them was riding on a flying wad of paper. All Naraku and his incarnation had to do was keep Sesshoumaru busy while Magatsuhi worked his evil will on little Rin.

The dog demon waited for them, well aware of their approach from the direction of his little brother.

Sesshoumaru, the Killing Perfection, stood before them with Bakusaiga in hand and a glare that might have made most grown men cry if he wasn't also wearing a crown of pink cherry blossoms, which had been lovingly strung together by Rin. Once again, Naraku couldn't find enough seriousness in every demon that made up his flesh to fight his foe sincerely.

Byakuya flew down on his Turtle of Doom ™, and informed the taiyoukai of his newest fashion accessory. "You know you're wearing flowers on your head, right?"

Rin giggled as a clawed hand swept the crown out of his hair and tore it to bits, although she stared in awe at Byakuya.

"What are you staring at, Brat?" Byakuya barked.

"What kinda demon makes a spitwad that big? Can Rin have one?" the child innocently asked.

Sesshoumaru sighed. How did situations end up like this? "No," he said.

He turned his attention back to Byakuya and Naraku just as Magatsuhi finished forcing himself into her mind.

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**In Between Rin's Ears (Past the wax)**

Magatsuhi probed her mind for any form of darkness or evil. He found an old memory of grown men bullying her and replayed it to her. "Tell me, Rin. Did you hate them?" he prodded, trying to push her into the residual hate any normal person would have had.

Rin shrugged and said, "Nope! Rin feels sorry for them in that memory."

Felt sorry for them? "Why?" Magatsuhi asked.

"Cause they all die. Rin too, but Rin's doggy fixed that," Rin explained.

Magatsuhi sorted through her memories again, knowing that all people were supposed to have some dark spot somewhere. What kind of person was all good? "Your parents are dead, and were killed by bandits. If it weren't for them, your parents—"

"…Would make Rin do chores," Rin finished.

"What about the bandits? Do you hate them?" Magatsuhi asked.

Rin scratched her chin, as if thinking, and then shook her head. "Rin's doggy-sama ate them, so no," she replied. She was quiet as he worked, and then asked for his name, which he supplied for her since he had such a badass name. It sent shivers down the backs of his foes and made girls want to…well, that part was a lie.

Magatsuhi was growing frustrated with Rin. Where was the darkness? Everything he tried just ended in more cheerful comments, giggles, and praise for Sesshoumaru. The guy barely paid attention to his brat and still managed to be the epitome of heroism to her. "Do you hate Jaken? He says such cruel things to you."

"Rin just ignores Jaken like everyone else does, Maggot-sue-me," Rin sweetly replied.

The dark will of the Shikon No Tama had been stumped by an eight-year-old. "Sesshoumaru is a murderer. He'll kill anyone who gets on his bad side. What do you think of that, Rin?"

"Rin thinks it's not smart to make Sesshoumaru-sama angry. He never gets mad at me, 'cept when I talk too much, or decorate him with flowers, or snuggle his moko-moko, or call it Fluffykins. Oh, he doesn't like it when Rin calls him Doggy-sama either," Rin babbled.

"He's going to abandon you. You're just a brat, you know. All you do is slow Sesshoumaru down," Magatsuhi taunted.

Rin thought for a moment and shook her head saying, "Rin doesn't think so. He rescued Rin from Hell once. Has anyone done that for you? Rin thinks not. Only for Rin!"

"I give up! You're unshakeable!" he cried out.

"Is it Rin's turn to ask questions now?" Rin asked.

"Uhh…" Magatsuhi stuttered curses as he attempted to escape from Rin's mind, only to find she had seemingly captured him there so she could have a turn at the 'game.'

Rin thought for a moment, and then asked, "Why are you evil?"

"I just am," Magatsuhi replied.

"That's a dumb reason," Rin said.

The next questions came in rapid succession as the girls indomitable will was used to crush him into nothing. Why _was_ he evil? What was wrong with colors? Why did he love black so much? What was his favorite color? Why didn't anyone love him like Sesshoumaru loved her?

When Rin had finished, the two minds separated and Magatsuhi spilled out of her body, swirling above the battle with a bright smile. It was such a strange sight that the others stopped to look at it. His creepy incorporeal body was _grinning_ at Sesshoumaru, and it was equal parts unnatural and creepy.

The taiyoukai felt a weight against his leg as Rin ran into his legs and hugged them. "Rin taught Maggot-sama how to be nice!"

"Rin…" he said, although he wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. "Go pick flowers."

Magatsuhi squealed and asked, "Can I pick flowers too?"

"Fux, I don't know what's going on here, but I've had enough!" Byakuya declared, grumbling something about Magatsuhi being "pwned by an eight-year-old" as he flew away.

Naraku hoped that Magatsuhi was following some sort of plan, but he knew Rin was made up of sugar and sunshine. It was really damn hard to corrupt Kohaku when Rin was around, and attempts to do so were usually followed by manju binges and odd dreams about Sesshoumaru. "You don't have any hands," he pointed out as he tried to wash the picture of snuggling Sesshoumaru's fluff out of his head.

A dreamy sigh from Magatsuhi preceded a line of questions one might expect from Rin. "How old are you? How many stripes do you have? How long did it take to grow out your hair? Do you really hate your brother?"

"Close your eyes, I have a gift for you," Sesshoumaru said as he unsheathed Tenseiga...

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**The End**

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**Please Review!**

Author's Note: This crackfic was inspired by a recent discussion in the newsgroup adinuyasha.


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